In Oklahoma and it feels weird

I arrived to Oklahoma City on Saturday night. It has been a good time but everything is so different. I know that it would be different and I guess that I would still be fine. I have been hanging out with my friend. I have gone almost everywhere with him and is wife-to-be. Although it is fine to hang with them and it is a little weird like tag along weird. This is not the first time and I know that will not be last but some times I wish that I would have someone to share my time with instead of being include as a side kick. When they start talking between themselves, I just think what how wonderful it must be to have someone. I have never really been a person that opened up will to others. I tend to get a lot back and I am total not good at talking to strangers. I am a shy person and really do not talk to people until I get to know them. After that, I tend to ramble on, so in other words, I am dull. But I realize that God has control and I should let him do what he needs to do. I have been trying to think that but I want to hurry up the process. I look at the fact that I am now 21 and almost 22 and have yet to have a girl friend. In a way this seems pathetic and in another way not healthy state. Again I need to trust the Lord that he is doing this for a reason. I really want to know the reason. It makes it harder to handle when I start to think that the Lord is not helping me out. I know this is a trick of the devil. Questioning if God is really helping me or just wants to hurt me, which is not a characteristic of God. Sometimes I think God is punishing me for all the times I found comfort in my adulterous behavior. But when the dust settles, I still feel like something is missing, like something is wrong. It might just be that I see having a relationship with a female as the world sees it and not the way the Lord sees it. Looking at relationships in my fallen state as a person. Maybe that is why hated to attend a weddings when I was in high school. I hated to see everyone happy with others when I was not happy. I even told my cousin and his wife-to-be (at that time) that I did not want to help. Of course they lived in my parent's house they were renting out. My cousin used my mother to force me into being an usher, which I was displeased with. This is also a time where I was thinking about suicide. My parent knew that I stated I wanted to commit suicide in middle school nut after that threatened to sent me to the mental hospital. I just stop telling them. In fact since I am talking about suicide, I elementary school, I would draw pictures of me jumping off a cliff onto a road with tanks and people shooting me. Also bombs where being drop on me. I guess I really wanted to go out with a bang. (now back to the post). Now the feeling is loneliness. There is a little envy mixed in but I throw that off because I do not take action towards meeting a female. Well it is 230am and I should be sleeping but not tired.