Singleness, thoughts on my current status is life.

Before I was a Christian, I hated happy people. The main reason, I was not happy myself. I was asked to usher at my cousin's wedding. I was force to by my parental authority, even if I had a concert about 30 mins away. I really hated weddings since everyone was happy or at least seemed. So today, I attended a wedding with a friend that I have not really got to know. He became good friends with a person as I remember tried to avoid me back in middle school. So in 6th or 7th grade, I was friendless to say the lest. This does not help me at that time. So throughout middle school and high school, I was pretty much a loner. So pretty much throughout most of my life, I have lived in a state of singleness. I remember in college, I would go from room to room looking to be accepted. When I joined the military, I would spend tons of time by myself. It was less in Oklahoma and towards the end it would be better. Then I moved to England. This would be challenge. I would hangout once-in-a-while at a friends dorm room but I would spent days by myself. It was hard to do anything since I was by myself. I would have loved to travel more but it would not have been fun. I remember going to London to watch the New Year Parade. I was so lonely.

So now living in Lynchburg and seeing friends get married. It has taken a toll on me. I still long for that friendship with someone who lives close. I still have this thing about weddings but today I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted to rejoice with those rejoicing. I would look on Boundless, a Focus on the Family for 20 and 30s single people, for an artcile that would cover this issue. I found one and it has help. I read that even if I am not getting married or even have a friend living close that share time, God has blessed me in different ways. It is a comfort (and as I grow I hope it will be a better comfort) to know that God has blessed me with where I am at. I might not be getting married or even have a really close friend, but God has bless me with in different ways. I can go on knowing that even if I long for a relationship I really do not have, God has bless with relationships. It is tursting God that where He has me now is where the right place.

I think the main problem is a little known sin called self-centeredness. I have to admit that I try hard to dress to impress. I try to do the little things that know would ever care, like shiny shoes. I often wonder why people put up with this. Just thinking about it, this might be why I am not married. I am not in a place yet to set myself back and serve others. Remembering a quote by J.R. Miller, he said that a godly man is like dew. Dew always work at night when no one is looking and you see the effects when the dew is done. It is a man ever working for the glory of himself but you can also see their work.

As I shift gears again, I guess that is why I write blogs. I want to that close friend to speak to, unfortunately blogs do not talk back, but I want the subject to be about me. But I look at myself and I force to see that I, who has never dated anyone mind you, am not that great of a person. I see that even talking to a girl I meet through a Bible study, that I am not that Godly man. I was talking to the pastor of the church that a couple of friends attend and he has said something that struck me. It is about the heart. It is clear that because of my self-centeredness, that my heart is in the wrong place. I am focusing on the wrong things. I am focusing on my plans and want I want, not what God wants from me.

I need to leave this but I would like you to pray from me. The one think I guess you can take from this is that I am not that great of a person when it comes down to it. My sins will have me fall further away in despair but there is a God who cares. He cared enough to send a Savior who will take this burden. That is the focus, it is the cross of Christ.