It is hard to live a small room hold a job that requires to give up so much of your day to a clause that most people do not care about. I like doing my job but my life is no where close to being happy. I was watching a show on Myspace and it is about 6 people that live next to each other. There are 3 males and females. From what I have watched, it is about one female and her adventure in life as see documents it on a video web log. I listen to what see says and it reminds me so much of myself. She tackles the point with out saying it, that we put up images and masks to show what we want people to believe. All this fake life stuff. I look at myself and I see the same thing. I try to not cuss or lust or murder but it happens. I try to look holy but yet I am not better then the Pharisees of the Bible. I still have to much of a problem with porn and hatred. I murder people everyday. I say the wrongs things, I do the wrong things and my life is running away from me. That fakness is killing the inside but I can look to the Lord for help. I know he can help but I feel like he has thrown me away from the vine and burned me. I use 1 John 2:6 a lot but my life does not compare to what I say or do. I do not care about other people on myself. That might be the problem, wait that is the problem. I start conversations to tell people about what I want to talk about so I can show that I am better then they are. It never works and it never will. I lie to people when they ask how I am. I say I am fine but really I am just as bad as they are. Well, at least they have some sort of pleasure.
Another thing I am trying to deal with, is that I hold on the past. I have been a RAF Mildenhall for over 6 months and I still talk about Tinker and how it was not a dream crew chief job. I NO LONGER WORK AT TINKER. Then I got this shrine up in the room. It is more of a god than anything else reminding that I should have never left a good thing. This, right now, compares to about what I felt like when I would never see my friends from Oklahoma everyday. There was joy in my life, except at work. But, I was not stick in a room with 4 white walls with nothing in it except of how good I had it in Oklahoma. I said I would never like Oklahoma but it was the closes thing I had to a family in my life. The memories. Oh, the memories. My real family and I were never together except when we eat together. I grow away from them. They did not know what I was going through or what I needed. Out of all of high school, the sophomore year was the best. I actually had people to hang out with. Next fall, that would all change. I never felt better until Oklahoma. I look at my life and I see how I am not the same person and i realize that we all feel that way without Christ. Just showing that I do not have Christ in me. I never did. It was the devil playing a trick on everyone I know who was in Christ. I learn to I could push people away. The devil's masterpiece at work through me. I do not want to be that guy, that person that pushes people away. I too have pushed myself away and God knew it was going to happen and he let it happen. He gave the chances to do it and I push them away too. I push everyone away. That is why I do not get calls or I am on IM all night talking to people. I have pushed them away from me and they want no part of me. They never cared about but I never cared about them first. I see that I was the loser, I was the one that hurt my social life. This is why I do not have a problem with the act of sex but porn. I never had a girlfriend to get tempted by. I never was brave enough to talk to a female face-to-face. I was also not brave enough to witness or ask people to the Bible study. I fear man and not God. So again I was never in Christ. It was not Joe's or Matt's or Mike's or Tyler's fault. I fell away from God! It was my own doing! That is why I feel all alone in room with white walls. That is why I am up at 0315 hrs on a Friday night all alone. It is my fault that I acted like a Christian in high school and that act continues today. The problem here is I am trying to be holy. That is I am trying to be holy. I am not allowing Christ to make me holy. All these problems come to one thing. That is I am not letting God control my life. I am living my own life claiming to live a life with God. God is so far from my life that if I would die tonight (this is not saying that I am going to commit suicide), I would not go to heaven but to hell. I have no works in Him who can save me. I have lead no one to Christ and the immediate future looks dim to. I live in the darkness. I claim to be in the light but I LIE and the truth is not in me. I am died in this world. I am died in this lost world like everyone else that does not know Christ. So I guess says that I do not know Christ also. So I have fallen away from the one who saves me.
This is true as it gets about my life and that is what this blog is for. To talk about the challenges of my life. Here it is, the all the ammo you need to hurt me. Take it and use it.
My dearest brother in Christ,
ReplyDeleteI shall soon be speaking with you and getting to the heart of this most disturbing issue that you have shared with us. We are all praying for you, that God would show Himself to you. This sounds of the struggle all faithful Christians go through. The darkness and despair are trying you. Stand fast in radiant and magnificent Christ, pray as we pray for you. God keep you.
Kyle
Hey Mike, It's Tegan and Mike here. Mostly Tegan (me), Mike's trying to get onto his computer . . .
ReplyDeleteMike, you have not pushed any of us away, we all still care about you and love you very much. It is us, in our selfishness, that have not reached out to you when you needed it. Please forgive us for that Mike.
We all sin and fall short of the glory of God, but that does not mean that we are not part of His flock. If the Lord is working on you right now, than Praise the Lord. As he says in His word, no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterwards it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. If you did not have Christ, you would not feel convicted about porn, about how you might be treating people. I know that Christ lives in you, and I know that He is working in your life, and I know that all these things that you are going through, you are enduring for His glory, can be used by Him in something that perhaps you (or any of us) cannot fathom right now.
Please do not despair Mike, for we love you and we do care about you. We do not think that you are not of Christ. If you were not of Christ, would you be saying these things at all? Would you be crying out to Him? He promises us that if we call on Him, He will answer us. He calls to His sheep, and they hear his voice. You have heard His voice, you know that you have. How could you have not grown in Christ, if you had heard His voice to begin with? Do not let Satan deceive you Mike with these lies. Telling you that you are not of Christ, because you are. He tells us that if we confess with our mouth and believe in our heart, than we will be Saved.
We all go through tests, each test if different for all of us. Kyle's test is in Equodor (can't spell), Asher's test is keeping his ministry going through dental school and choosing ministry over dental school, my test is through illness (perhaps you read of the Lord bringing me to my knees through sickness, but I rejoice because He loved me enough to bring me down and draw me closer to Him), Joe had a test when he went to Curacoe (again can't spell) and tried to preach to those who wouldn't hear. Your test is now, and I do not think that you are failing. He is teaching you, He is working on you. And all that you are going through will come to greater glory for Christ. We indeed must decrease Mike, and He must increase. We are lowly, sinful and don't deserve anything but death. He loved us so much that He saved us through grace and He trains us and disciplines us like a father who disciplines His children, whom He loves. I know you remember all the lessons that Mike and Tyler and Asher and Joe taught you. I know you know that those lessons are right and I know that you believe.
I don't know what else to say Mike, except that we do love you and care for you and we miss you here in Oklahoma. We all fail miserably, but all we can do is rejoice that Jesus still loves us, and we can learn what He has to teach us and try again.
YSIC ~ T
P.S. Mike wants to write his own comment . . . :)
You are in our prayers Mike
ReplyDeleteIn Christ ~ T
Mike,
ReplyDeleteYou fail and weep and mourn for yourself because that's the problem. You. Stop trying so hard. You're trying to hard. You're trying to add things to Jesus, always looking over your back 'to make sure you're saved', and this is exactly what happens with that mentality: You feel like you don't have Christ.
Maybe the only thing you need to remember right now is this:
Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, was buried, and raised from the dead. 1 Cor. 15:2-5. Read it.
You seem to have this idea that you don't have enough fruit, to be Christian. And you seem to have this idea that you have to have some limit on sin in your life, and if you exceed your 'sin quota', you're not a Christian anymore.
What greater insult could you give to Christ, Mike? Than to count His saving blood unholy, incapable of saving sinners such as us, because YOU don't think YOU have enough holiness? Don't you realize that Christ Jesus is in you? You are Holy because HE is Holy. You cannot lesson God's holiness. You're saved by JESUS' works, not your own, or not how well you don't sin.
Consider this:
How many lies must you tell before Christ disowns you?
How many times must you commit adultery before God's grace is found lacking?
How many times must you hate another man before God says: "My grace is NOT sufficient for you"?
They are all rhetorical, unanswerable questions. Why? Because the blood of Christ is capable of saving all men, and covering all sins. If we try to add anything to that, THAT'S when we're in darkness. But I'm not saying someone's unsaved if they do that, they're just screwing up, and missing the point of the Gospel.
If Christ is in you, you are clean. This is not a liscense to sin, but it is Grace. You're going to screw up, a lot, and the sooner you stop trying to be so damn good, when only God is Good, the better you'll do.
No one has abandoned you, and no one has turned away and shunned you. We're all still here, and we still pray for you. Porn, lying, and other sins can all be handled by God, and covered by God. It's time to walk in His Grace, thanking Him always that you don't have to work for your salvation, or be good, or anything like that. True joy comes from knowing that Jesus paid the price, that Jesus did the work, and that by trusting in that, all things are reconciled to Him, in Him. By knowing that, you can trust God, and not yourself, and all things will come from that. Not your worrying about being saved or not. Not your ability not to sin. Not your ability to be 'holy' (which NO ONE can do).
It's all nothing, Mike.
Who cut in on your and made you turn on Christ like this? I might have taught you improperly, and that will be my failure and my sin, but I certainly taught you this:
"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and HE will make your paths straight".
We're all hypocrites, liars, lusters, foul, and unclean. And that's why God came off this throne to save us by His unbelievable, unlimited, all-powerful Grace.
There's no limit. Don't take 1 John so literally, or you'll end up in works-righteousness, trying to be good enough to earn God's salvation, and you'll always despair and worry about your salvation. In fact, that's why I think you're so upset now. You've stopped trusting Jesus fully to save you, and started worrying about how your life looks and how your works look, and how your pointless 'fruit' looks. You need to get over yourself and get back to God. We all would do well to remember that.
Stop trying, stop worrying, and start trusting in Jesus' blood.
Stop trying so hard!! You can't do anything, just let God do His work. Surrender to His mercy, and find rest for your soul again. God will sanctify you, not you.
"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand."
"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
That's grace, and you can't stop it Mike. That's the love of God. That's all you need.
I hope this helps. We're all praying for you. And we love you.
Joe
Hey Mike,
ReplyDeleteThis is Asher, Just read your blog comment and have to say wow, not as in World of Warcraft but wow as in I'm sorry for letting you down. I have never been a very good communicator when it comes to e-mail or talking on the phone. I wish I could talk to you face-to-face. Probably the first thing I'd do is give you a quick smack to the face and say snap out of it, then I'd give you a manly type huge and ask if your alright. I know that would be a loaded question but I would be altogether ready to discuss the issues with you one by one. There are many issues I see that need to be discussed, but the first and most important one is the lie you seem to believe is that you are not of Christ. How is this so, you were among us and you stayed among us even when you had to leave do to necessity. You believed the things we taught not because of compulsion but because of the Father's work in your life. The Holy Spirit in you is what is convicting you of your sin, and Satan being the opportunistic pathogen is seeing you in this weakend state and taking advantage. Do not despair, you are in a time of testing and trial. Stand firm, fight the good fight, be one counted approved rightly dividing the Word of God. You may not have lead anyone to Christ, you may have an attitude problem, you may have issue with porn or as you put (pron), but do not let these things decieve you. The thing that lets me know you do have the conviction of sin by the Holy Spirit is that you know you have these problems and you feel bad about them.
I'll be praying for you, but be strong in the Lord, Sanctify yourself daily in His Word, pray without ceasing, witness to those you can gently with humility and love, and find someone for fellowship and accountability. If your having a problem with porn turn your computer off, if that doesn't help put it away. You can still call every now and again. I see that you have lots of time on your hands to really read, and grow intamately with the Lord, you single guys always seem to get confused about this, you think you don't have anytime to do this stuff, wait until you get married and have 5 kids. HaHa, you have so much time to devote to God and your main sin is this, your concentrating to much on what your doing wrong. Rather focus on what your not doing right. Read, Pray, Witness, Fellowship, Reproduce. This maybe a time for you to focus just on your relationship with God, your time will come when you lead and have someone follow, continue to pray to that end, continue to watch and seek to that end, but in mean time sanctify yourself for the Lord and prepare for that time that is to come. I know it can be difficult be thats why we must subject ourselves to difficult training, beat our bodies into submission so we will be able to run the race set before us as if we are the one who will get the prize. If you can't face the challenges of man how will be able to run with the horses that God wants you to able to run with.
Pick your head up man, scrap the grim of self pity off yourself, be obedient to God, remember you are loved and that we remember you in our prayers here in Oklahoma as you are considered a saint in God's eye.
Always in Christ your bother,
Asher Wright
Hey Mike,
ReplyDeleteIts Mike (V) here. I just wanted to write you to let you know we all care for you very much, and I wanted to leave you with some words of encouragement.
I know what your going through, and you haven't lost your salvation Mike. I went through the same sort of thing in Denver. I felt betrayed by my Christian friends in Wyoming, so I decided I was going to fall away. (Key point: I decided to fall away) Read about Jonah how he ran away from God. Do you honestly think that God would go to all that trouble to have Jonah thrown into a sea, swallowed up by a fish, and have him go back to Ninevah just to cut him off and throw him in hell? Not to mention Jonah was still bitter after God disciplined him. God had to discipline Jonah a 2nd time, so in the desert God cause a beautiful plant to grow over Jonah (Jonah 4:6,) and then God took the plant away. Look at Peter, who after denying Christ and was restored, fell back into the same snare (read Gal 2:11-14), yet God continued to use Peter to be one of the greatest apostles in the Bible. Read Jer 29:11, Isaiah 41:10, Numbers 23:19, Lamentations 3:22-23. Remember Mike don't give up because God won't give up on you.
Dear God,
I just want to lift Mike up to You Lord. He's struggling with loneliness and fear. I pray you would lift his spirits and show Mike that You love him and that You
will not let Mike go. I pray that you would remind Mike of 1 John 1:9- that if we confess our sins, You are faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness. I pray Lord that you would give Mike people to disciple, people to teach. I pray that you would give me people to teach as well because I haven't made any disciples...period. Strengthen Mike's faith...allow Mike to have patience in You God, and that he would trust that You have a ministry for him; he just has to be patient and wait for you to finish your work in him. I pray in these things God. Bless and Keep Mike
In Jesus Name
Amen
I hope this helped Mike. Well I'll see you later. Stay strong in the Lord and don't give up.
YBIC- Mike VB
Hey Mike, I'm sorry things aren't going so well for you right now. I havn't forgotten about you though, James and I don't have the internet at home right now so that's why I don't get a chance to write to you very often. I have to either go to the library or a friends house to write. But hopefully that will all change come Christmas time, I asked for the internet for Chritsmas :) Anyways, I had no idea things were so rough for u right now! Don't worry u r not the only one struggling! I have been too! I struggle reading my bible every day, I have forgotten almost all the scpritures I had memorized due to me being lazy and not practicing them, I very rarely invite someone out to bible study because I'm too shy, and I struggle to get my studies done. I often find myself questioning my faith as you are now. I feel I'm not doing the things I have been taught to do, or if I'm not doing all of them I feel like I'm going to hell because I know I should be doing all these things. Another part of me feels like because I don't have scripture memorized like I should I can't talk to people and invite them to bible study. I feel like I can't disciple them because what if they ask me a question and I don't have the scripture to back up my answer. I can't always say let me look it and I'll get back to you on that. So I have been struggling A LOT lately too! That's why we have our friends Mike, to keep each other accountable, to help us when we're struggling! I don't know how many times I have called Tegan crying on the phone because I feel like I have failed as a Christian! That's what we are all here for! Mike, we are all here for you! And I hope that you will talk to us and let us help you back up on your feet. I'm very glad you opened up to us through your blog. Now we have some sort of understanding of what's going through your head. You have not failed though! You wouldn't be so convicted if you were no longer fallowing Christ! Just pray - talk to God, and read your Bible! God is right beside you, he wants to help you, he's teaching you! Remember that saying, when you only see one set of footprints in the sand that's becase I'm carrying you? Well, it may seem as if you are all alone right now, but that's because God has picked you up and is carrying you right now! So don't give up, he's with you forever and always! Mike, we are praying for you and hoping things will get better for you! May our thoughts and prayers be with you! Love YSIC, Sarah
ReplyDelete