After a short investigation by their finance committee, Badger Creek Baptist Church has uncovered the reason why their “God’s Dream” Building Campaign fell short of its fundraising goal in January. The main culprit? Girl Scout cookies.
In their final report, the committee faulted Deacon Buford Collins for allowing ten-year-old Brittany Tanner of Troop 187 to set up a Girl Scout cookie sales booth in the church foyer during Sunday services last month. As a result, the distracted congregation began spending their extra cash on cookies instead of giving it to the building fund.
“Everyone knows that Baptists start salivating at the sight of a girl in a khaki uniform and green sash,” explained Finance Team Leader Joyce Franklin. “Deacon Collins would’ve been better off letting a bacon salesman loose in our church.”
According to several eyewitnesses, not only was the cookie booth a frantic mob scene as parishioners clamored for the famous baked goods, but the young girl scout proved to be a shrewd cookie marketer as well. At one point the plucky Miss Tanner hooked some fishing line to a box of Thin Mints and slowly trolled past the church classrooms, luring several woman away from their Beth Moore Bible study.
“I knew things were getting bad when little Brittany was down to her last box of cookies and she made us arm-wrestle to see who could have it,” said Assistant Pastor Frank McClurg. “I hate to say it, but Edna Dollenkamp has quite an arm for a ninety-year-old woman with arthritis and a hip replacement. I’m pretty sure I would have beaten her if she hadn’t lost her dentures in my lap and scared the snot out of me.”
Though Badger Creek church members were generally embarrassed by their lack of restraint in the face of temptation, some in the congregation blamed a shortage of complimentary donuts at the church’s snack bar for their decision to purchase Girl Scout cookies with their building fund money.
“Look, I feel bad about what I did,” admitted one male attendee who wished to remain anonymous, “but I can’t worship without a little bite to eat and a cup of coffee. When the donuts ran out, I had no choice but to buy 5 boxes of Thin Mints, 3 boxes of Caramel deLites, and 2 boxes of Shortbreads.”
In a brief emotional statement to the congregation during last Sunday’s service, a broken and tearful Deacon Collins apologized for letting the evil girl scout into the church, but said he was already paying the price for his error in judgment. “I’ve gained 10 pounds from binging on six boxes of Peanut Butter Sandwiches, and my wife is making me eat rice cakes and lettuce until I lose the weight. Somebody kill me now.”
Afterwards, Collins was escorted from the podium as he sobbed hysterically and muttered something about a double cheeseburger.
Despite these tragic events, Finance Team Leader Franklin is confident that the fallout from “CookieGate” (as church officials have dubbed it) is only a temporary setback. “We know that building a bigger facility for our church is God’s dream, so we’re pretty sure we can make it happen for Him,” she said confidently. “In fact, Pastor Dave plans to cancel his planned sermon series on Great Marital Sex, so he can start a new series called, ‘Come On, People, Fork It Over.’ ”
Added Franklin, “By the end of February we expect the congregation will feel guilty enough to help us exceed our fundraising goal by a wide margin. Then we’ll have the additional money we need to purchase larger seating for those members who recently put on some extra weight.”
Miss Tanner, who posted the largest cookie revenue for her troop’s district in twenty years, could not be reached for comment. She was busy negotiating with Keebler to become their new cookie liaison to the Southern Baptist Convention.
Taken from SacredSandwich.com.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Your opinion is always welcome. All I do ask that it does not profanity. As administer of the blog, I have the right to delete all comments that I feel are not in good taste.